6.16.2017

I feel darkness creeping into me

The lines on your face are more defined when the lights are off

And I can sense the quarter century you own on the surface of your skin

 

I am not sure how instrumental I want you to be in the functions of my life

Windows and opportunity clouded by aesthetic, struggle, and momentary satisfaction

All of which are not my own

 

When did you begin looking at me with a critical eye?

And getting this drunk

Panicking when the flask is empty — the word “need” perched on the tip of your tongue

(Like an addict)

 

I want your warmth and softness without the sharpness of your glances

Or half-promises

Or indifferent kisses

 

Can you at least pretend that I’m still magic

Please touch me

I still melt beneath your fingertips

5.27.2017

Impervious to warmth

Though you wrap yourself around me and call it comfort

Call it grounding

And then say nothing at all

 

“I’ve missed you”s muttered through shaking breath

Sighs, moans

I lose myself in our kisses, and find myself once more

Afterwards

In the mirror — eyes, lifeless

Burdened with the weight of disappointment

4.14.17

I don’t feel lovesick

I just feel sick

Nausea, pins and needles on the skin, dizziness

Symptoms of uncertainty

 

I touch you and then retreat into my thoughts

Body tucking into its self, folding, praying for disappearance

Now, when I don’t long for your touch, or the sensation of your hands around my neck

I feel suffocated by you

 

 

I felt myself letting you down every moment we were together

And could not stop

No one likes someone encumbered by negativity

Self-hating egotist

 

I have been trying to escape the grip of self-absorption

But the way you’ve been looking at me has me spiraling

Insanity coiling around me

 

Things feel bad

Like a good dream gone wrong

Not quite nightmare, not quite escape

 

2.1.2017

This is holiness

Good dreams, euphoria

Downy and sweet

Holistic pleasure

 

We are making homes in one another’s souls

Your door has a window, receiving second hand sunlight from the heavens

 

There is no midnight or noon, or time at all

There is only a fullness

Cores overflowing with blossoming flowers, glittering light emanating from security

 

This is everything

1.14.2017

I’m trying to tell myself not to get caught up on the little things, the things that don’t matter

But I am keenly aware of the fact that a collection of the insignificant is what constitutes the intangible

And that the basis of feeling is immeasurable

 

So anxiety persists

(pink and white, pink to white)

The simultaneous is now the transitional

Your hair is shorter now and so is my attention span

But I still have the focus to take in the complexity of your irises, whether purple or green

Losing phone calls in the blankets: a pastime they will never understand

 

I am not alone when I am with you, but together we are a singularity

12.22.2016

Burnt gingerbread and cigarettes flavor the evening

Creating headaches and pinching nerves

Humming music that carries meaning for no one

Bitter dissonance

 

I feel the years resting in the hollow of my palm

Sensing the past where others read the future

Imagining what has been cradled, what has been let go

Sediment collecting in the creases of my fingers, in my fingertips

 

I will hold you regardless

Hoping that the grit does not abrade your surfaces

Because I do not have the energy for apologies

No time for explanations

 

I seek reconciliation

Of the the soul and flesh

Of the separate parts of me, currently boasting individuality

Though closeness to your body only draws me further

 

Finding myself in a realm of vivid dissociation

Dreams, memories, fantasies

Swimming and swirling in incomplete images, fragmented feeling

Detached