1.3.2017

I do not want to forget

The first, second, third times we met

You looked at me with uncertainty and interest

 

We talked until our tea went cold

And the café closed

And the street went quiet

And the train stopped running

We hugged goodnight

You say you wish you’d have kissed me

 

I do not want to forget

Plans for an evening organized, coded by color and symbol

Chronologically arranged

You always brought wine to share

I would’ve been embarrassed by my stained lips, but you were similarly effected and carried no shame

We talked about how we wished we could dance

I dropped hints at every chance I got

I caught you looking at me when we walked down the hallway

 

I do not want to forget

The lighting was all wrong and it was too late for rationality

But your head was cocked at just the right angle, and you told me you couldn’t stop thinking about me

And you were so nervous that you could barely hold my hand

When you did you could feel that we were both shaking

There was not a drink that could calm our nerves, or a drug to detract from the adrenaline

When we kissed later, I wondered how it had taken us so long to find each other’s lips

 

You told me

“This is the sensation of falling”

12.7.2016

This is not the way I should have finished it

So precariously

Balancing disappointments on the disappointed

Stacked

Alternating layers of ruin and rage

Ash and fire

I expect it to fall

And I wait for it

Between inhales, between indulgences

Baited breath and smoke-filled lungs

Gasping for air, choking on you to fill the time

 

And the collapse is all at once

More instantaneous than I thought possible

I dodge showering coal and blistering remnants

Scorched earth that I created, earth that I damned

And from it I cannot

Run

Fast enough

12.04.2016

Do I value permanence over goodness?

Longevity over euphoria

 

Even as I ask myself these questions I can’t help but imagining pulling you into me

Like a breath; shaky and irregular

Grasping at your hips and waist and running my fingers over what you wish you could remove

And what you already have

Such temporary perfection

But perfection nonetheless

 

I’m relearning how to fantasize

And how to escape into the wholeness of feeling

If I close my eyes

And just think of you looking at me

There is no concern of forever

There is only the moment

And the moment is good

 

And so are your kisses

And so is your touch

Inherently right

Comforting

 

I wonder how I’ve gone so long

Denying myself my dreams

Torturing myself with easy, and fast

Rough and unconcerned

 

Being torn into

By those with no fear of loss

And indifference towards tomorrow

 

The fear is sweeter

The uncertainty more pleasurable

 

Instead of divided in halves and fourths

It is everything

And it is all at once

I cannot put it down

I pray you don’t make me

11.30.2016

Two seconds have passed

And you are in my rear view mirror

While she is next to me

Nothing feels the same

 

It is cold now, but I am not

And neither is she

Because there’s more tea than either of us can drink

And we both brought scarves

In the event that our words were not warm enough

And we didn’t feel sufficiently wrapped up in conversation

 

I wonder if you can hear me praying for your touch

I wonder if you see it in my eyes, or if my cheeks are flushed

Am I biting my lip?

 

Have you realized that we’re pink and white

Like the song in your headphones

And the light of this sunset

And the colors behind my eyelids

I can’t sleep again but it is not out of pain

It is out of the unceasing desire to continue to devour this savory reality

 

You ask me “what is a dichotomy” and I say something dumb, like “us”

Because there is not unity but we are two halves of a whole

I can feel it

On my scalp, racing down