1.3.2017

I do not want to forget

The first, second, third times we met

You looked at me with uncertainty and interest

 

We talked until our tea went cold

And the café closed

And the street went quiet

And the train stopped running

We hugged goodnight

You say you wish you’d have kissed me

 

I do not want to forget

Plans for an evening organized, coded by color and symbol

Chronologically arranged

You always brought wine to share

I would’ve been embarrassed by my stained lips, but you were similarly effected and carried no shame

We talked about how we wished we could dance

I dropped hints at every chance I got

I caught you looking at me when we walked down the hallway

 

I do not want to forget

The lighting was all wrong and it was too late for rationality

But your head was cocked at just the right angle, and you told me you couldn’t stop thinking about me

And you were so nervous that you could barely hold my hand

When you did you could feel that we were both shaking

There was not a drink that could calm our nerves, or a drug to detract from the adrenaline

When we kissed later, I wondered how it had taken us so long to find each other’s lips

 

You told me

“This is the sensation of falling”

12.7.2016

This is not the way I should have finished it

So precariously

Balancing disappointments on the disappointed

Stacked

Alternating layers of ruin and rage

Ash and fire

I expect it to fall

And I wait for it

Between inhales, between indulgences

Baited breath and smoke-filled lungs

Gasping for air, choking on you to fill the time

 

And the collapse is all at once

More instantaneous than I thought possible

I dodge showering coal and blistering remnants

Scorched earth that I created, earth that I damned

And from it I cannot

Run

Fast enough

12.04.2016

Do I value permanence over goodness?

Longevity over euphoria

 

Even as I ask myself these questions I can’t help but imagining pulling you into me

Like a breath; shaky and irregular

Grasping at your hips and waist and running my fingers over what you wish you could remove

And what you already have

Such temporary perfection

But perfection nonetheless

 

I’m relearning how to fantasize

And how to escape into the wholeness of feeling

If I close my eyes

And just think of you looking at me

There is no concern of forever

There is only the moment

And the moment is good

 

And so are your kisses

And so is your touch

Inherently right

Comforting

 

I wonder how I’ve gone so long

Denying myself my dreams

Torturing myself with easy, and fast

Rough and unconcerned

 

Being torn into

By those with no fear of loss

And indifference towards tomorrow

 

The fear is sweeter

The uncertainty more pleasurable

 

Instead of divided in halves and fourths

It is everything

And it is all at once

I cannot put it down

I pray you don’t make me

12.1.2016

Seams and plastic

Taught around my waist

Suffocating me

And it looks like bags under my eyes

And feels like floorboards on my cheek

Hot and cold all at once

There is not enough time in the day

Or clothing in my wardrobe

To hide satisfactorily

 

I am beautiful in the way broken glass is

Shards gleaming and sparkling in haphazard headlights

I am bruised and battered beneath the weight of my own fingertips

Like a peach, grasped by an ignorant child

 

I want to paint something beautiful but I do not want to be the canvas

Not tonight

Tonight I wish to be seen and loved as me, or not at all

Because I am running out of disguises

 

I remember entering the blackness on a dozen occasions

Without fear or hesitation

I am craving that escape

I long for the precipice of departure

But know this nausea will not take me there