12.7.2016

This is not the way I should have finished it

So precariously

Balancing disappointments on the disappointed

Stacked

Alternating layers of ruin and rage

Ash and fire

I expect it to fall

And I wait for it

Between inhales, between indulgences

Baited breath and smoke-filled lungs

Gasping for air, choking on you to fill the time

 

And the collapse is all at once

More instantaneous than I thought possible

I dodge showering coal and blistering remnants

Scorched earth that I created, earth that I damned

And from it I cannot

Run

Fast enough

10.1.2016

I consider sometimes

The option of just relaxing into the pain

And the anxiety

And shame

 

There is no peace here

There is no alone without lonely

No happiness without contingencies or a time frame

No rest without alarm

 

I have someplace to be tomorrow but nowhere I’m headed in five years time

I crave rain because I’m thirsty and vodka and mixer is no longer quenching it

I am dying, but it is a slow death with nothing to do in the meantime

The neon only has color when you want it to

And tonight I don’t want anything

 

I know the words but I cannot link them together

I can only glue them, wrap them with wire, and hope that they set in the right place

Like a broken appendage

 

This emptiness is cavernous and I know it cannot be filled with small talk, people I don’t know, or kisses (genuine or otherwise)

I want promises

From myself, from you

That we’ll both be here, and hold onto one another

Even when I can’t stand your touch

Or so much as your voice, echoing and muffled behind my closed door

 

My friend, where are we going?

Running desperately to catch numbers beneath our feet

And hold onto them

Cold metal in empty palms

Curing stomach aches with delirium and sips from opaque water bottles, when the only ones we’re fooling are ourselves

 

When we open our mouths the laughter does not escape, but turns into perspiration on the backs of our necks

So the walk home feels cold

And solitary

Though we march towards comradery nevertheless

As it is the only way we’ve found to avoid being stung