5.30.2017

With you, my mask feels like an encumbrance

Except in moments that the bitterness in my thoughts can be tasted on my tongue

 

Blue lights flicker in one eye but not the other

Biding time in the space between content and restless

Periphery

 

Gravel fills my shoes

Reminding me that in this world, there exists stone, steady and sure, on which to plant my feet

If only I would allow my skin to touch it

5.27.2017

Impervious to warmth

Though you wrap yourself around me and call it comfort

Call it grounding

And then say nothing at all

 

“I’ve missed you”s muttered through shaking breath

Sighs, moans

I lose myself in our kisses, and find myself once more

Afterwards

In the mirror — eyes, lifeless

Burdened with the weight of disappointment

4.14.17

I don’t feel lovesick

I just feel sick

Nausea, pins and needles on the skin, dizziness

Symptoms of uncertainty

 

I touch you and then retreat into my thoughts

Body tucking into its self, folding, praying for disappearance

Now, when I don’t long for your touch, or the sensation of your hands around my neck

I feel suffocated by you

 

 

I felt myself letting you down every moment we were together

And could not stop

No one likes someone encumbered by negativity

Self-hating egotist

 

I have been trying to escape the grip of self-absorption

But the way you’ve been looking at me has me spiraling

Insanity coiling around me

 

Things feel bad

Like a good dream gone wrong

Not quite nightmare, not quite escape

 

12.22.2016

Burnt gingerbread and cigarettes flavor the evening

Creating headaches and pinching nerves

Humming music that carries meaning for no one

Bitter dissonance

 

I feel the years resting in the hollow of my palm

Sensing the past where others read the future

Imagining what has been cradled, what has been let go

Sediment collecting in the creases of my fingers, in my fingertips

 

I will hold you regardless

Hoping that the grit does not abrade your surfaces

Because I do not have the energy for apologies

No time for explanations

 

I seek reconciliation

Of the the soul and flesh

Of the separate parts of me, currently boasting individuality

Though closeness to your body only draws me further

 

Finding myself in a realm of vivid dissociation

Dreams, memories, fantasies

Swimming and swirling in incomplete images, fragmented feeling

Detached