12.22.2016

Burnt gingerbread and cigarettes flavor the evening

Creating headaches and pinching nerves

Humming music that carries meaning for no one

Bitter dissonance

 

I feel the years resting in the hollow of my palm

Sensing the past where others read the future

Imagining what has been cradled, what has been let go

Sediment collecting in the creases of my fingers, in my fingertips

 

I will hold you regardless

Hoping that the grit does not abrade your surfaces

Because I do not have the energy for apologies

No time for explanations

 

I seek reconciliation

Of the the soul and flesh

Of the separate parts of me, currently boasting individuality

Though closeness to your body only draws me further

 

Finding myself in a realm of vivid dissociation

Dreams, memories, fantasies

Swimming and swirling in incomplete images, fragmented feeling

Detached

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12.7.2016

This is not the way I should have finished it

So precariously

Balancing disappointments on the disappointed

Stacked

Alternating layers of ruin and rage

Ash and fire

I expect it to fall

And I wait for it

Between inhales, between indulgences

Baited breath and smoke-filled lungs

Gasping for air, choking on you to fill the time

 

And the collapse is all at once

More instantaneous than I thought possible

I dodge showering coal and blistering remnants

Scorched earth that I created, earth that I damned

And from it I cannot

Run

Fast enough