5.27.2017

Impervious to warmth

Though you wrap yourself around me and call it comfort

Call it grounding

And then say nothing at all

 

“I’ve missed you”s muttered through shaking breath

Sighs, moans

I lose myself in our kisses, and find myself once more

Afterwards

In the mirror — eyes, lifeless

Burdened with the weight of disappointment

12.22.2016

Burnt gingerbread and cigarettes flavor the evening

Creating headaches and pinching nerves

Humming music that carries meaning for no one

Bitter dissonance

 

I feel the years resting in the hollow of my palm

Sensing the past where others read the future

Imagining what has been cradled, what has been let go

Sediment collecting in the creases of my fingers, in my fingertips

 

I will hold you regardless

Hoping that the grit does not abrade your surfaces

Because I do not have the energy for apologies

No time for explanations

 

I seek reconciliation

Of the the soul and flesh

Of the separate parts of me, currently boasting individuality

Though closeness to your body only draws me further

 

Finding myself in a realm of vivid dissociation

Dreams, memories, fantasies

Swimming and swirling in incomplete images, fragmented feeling

Detached

12.04.2016

Do I value permanence over goodness?

Longevity over euphoria

 

Even as I ask myself these questions I can’t help but imagining pulling you into me

Like a breath; shaky and irregular

Grasping at your hips and waist and running my fingers over what you wish you could remove

And what you already have

Such temporary perfection

But perfection nonetheless

 

I’m relearning how to fantasize

And how to escape into the wholeness of feeling

If I close my eyes

And just think of you looking at me

There is no concern of forever

There is only the moment

And the moment is good

 

And so are your kisses

And so is your touch

Inherently right

Comforting

 

I wonder how I’ve gone so long

Denying myself my dreams

Torturing myself with easy, and fast

Rough and unconcerned

 

Being torn into

By those with no fear of loss

And indifference towards tomorrow

 

The fear is sweeter

The uncertainty more pleasurable

 

Instead of divided in halves and fourths

It is everything

And it is all at once

I cannot put it down

I pray you don’t make me